Year 28

I spent this last year energetically miserable.

The one thing I have always struggled with in my life is having female friends.  That large group of tight knit sisters that have your back, go out dancing, check on you, and give a shit.

All I want is acceptance and inclusion.  I want to be part of a group of women.  That I am regarded more than just disposable, a stepping stone, being used to better another person.  Wearing my heart on my sleeve is not an invitation to shit on me.

When I needed rallying the most I was pushed out the hardest.  I've spent my 28th year couped up in my house with my child while my wonderful and amazing husband is out making the bacon to keep giving us the beautiful life we have.  My husband supports and loves me unlike anyone.

Its when I am alone that my mind starts to think.  Over think.  Wonder.  Beat myself up.  Tear myself down.  Tell myself I am not good enough.  That I'm fucked up.  Cry my eyes out.  Feel empty and lonely.

I'm not very good at asking for help.  My pride/ego are controling right now.  Three people check on me without having to be asked.  Those three people are my life lines.  My Husband. My AZ Mom. My Mentor.  I have to give it to my husband.  He is an intensely strong man who loves me for me and boosts me up and supports me. <3  He is my heart.

Last night I broke down while eating dinner at a resturant.  Bawled my eyes out silently in my husbands arms.  I feel so small.

He asks me some questions that make me think.

Why do I want the acceptance and inclusion of people that didn't in the 1st place?  He has an excellent point.  Do they deserve your energy and time?  No they don't.

He points out that I do have a circle of women.  They may not all be connected, but I do have a beautiful network.  To this network of women I apologize.  You are there and I never reached out.  I hope you are still there...because I am reaching out now <3

Laura, Michele, Lark, Angie, Elizabeth...

Friday marks the beginning of the 29th year.  My last year in the 20's (thank fucking god/goddess!!)  I have spent way too much time living stuck in the past.  Who I used to be.  Pre-Post Pardum Depression. The art student.  My parents daughter (mind process).  What others think of me.  It's time to be me.  Post all my past bullshit.  I'm cutting cords with my old self with love, pain, anger, happiness, depression, loneliness, and truth.  No more letting what others possible thoughts and judgements of me dictate my life/actions/words/thoughts.  No more eggshell walking.  No more fakery.  No more bending over backwards so willingly.  My heart will still remain on my sleeve, but you better believe it has a force field around it now that will burn your whole fucking hand off if you try to take advantage.

Time to let the real me back out to play.  No more gimp lock up in the back room.  No more silent crying by myself.

Good bye old me.

I am Ready
I am Ready to be a better WIFE/MOMMY
I am Ready to start SWIHA in Oct
I am Ready to be ME

Mantra Monday :: Śāntipāta Mantra

 

At the studio that I practice at we use mantra.  Espeically in Bhakti Flow.  The studio delves into a weekly/monthly mantra that I personally love.  They also have a class on Sunday evenings called Sacred Sound that I need to get to!  But until then, here is a beautiful mantra that once you read the translation from sanskrit to english you will recognize it and its connection to you <3

The Śāntipāta Mantra is used to close and seal the benefits of your practice. It gives you the opportunity to give the benefits of your practice to all beings. 

See yourself in the center of the great mandala that you have invoked during the practice. While chanting this mantra see blessings pouring out to all beings in the universe. You may use the mudras that accompany this mantra to empower it.

The first lines of this chant are a call (to your guru, to your essence) for help: lead me from the unreal to the real, from darkness of ignorance to the light of pure wisdom, from mortality to immortality transcending both death and birth/re-birth.

With the next section of the chant, we bless all beings: may all beings everywhere experience welfare, peace, fullness without opposite, and continuous auspiciousness.

The mantra continues with the Mahamrtyunjaya mantra – the chant of the great victory over death. 

The chant ends with om Shanti Shanti Shanti – may there be peace in the three realms (celestial, atmospheric and terrestrial), and may the activity of my body, speech, and mind demonstrate enlightenment and be always for the benefit of all beings.

Śāntipāta Mantra
Oṁ asato mā sadgamaya
tamaso mā jyotir gamaya
mṛtyor mā amṛtam gamaya
sarveṣam svasti bhavatu
sarveṣam śāntir bhavatu
sarveṣam pūrṇam bhavatu
sarveṣam maṇgalam bhavatu
lokāḥ samastāḥ sukhino bhavantu
oṁ tryambakam yajāmahe
sugandhim puṣṭivardhanam/
urvārukamiva bandhanāt
mṛtyormukṣīya māmṛtāt//
oṁ śāntiḥ śāntiḥ śāntiḥ

Translation:
From the unreal lead me to the real,
From darkness lead me to light,
From death lead me to immortality,
May all beings dwell in good circumstances,
May all beings dwell in peace,
May all beings attain fullness of Being,
May all beings attain auspiciousness,
May there be happiness in all the worlds.
We meditate on three-eyed Lord Śiva
Who is fragrant and nourishes all beings.
Like a cucumber severed from the vine
May he liberate us from death to immortality.
Oṁ peace, peace, peace!




ॐ ॐ ॐ



via Studio Santosha Yoga Facebook
via Dharma Inc

137. Morning Blessing

Before leaving the house or beginning your daily yoga practice, open yourself up to what this can bring you by repeating the following Sanskrit blessing for peace: Loka Samasta Sukhino Bhavantu - "May happiness be unto the world."

 

 

Little crow

During bhakti flow this morning MSK made us WORK. Hello shoulders!!  After several chatarungas and flows through a and b we had an opportunity before stepping back to plank to take bakasana.  For the first time I nailed it.

YESSSS.

:D

108. Eye and Mirror

"A lake is the landscape's most beautiful and expressive feature. It is earth's eye; looking into which the beholder measures the depth of his own nature". - HDT

107. Sacral Chakra Mantra

The biji mantra, or seed sound, of the sacral chakra is VAM, pronounced "vum". Sitting with your spine straight, gently sing this sound to yourself to increase your ability to go with the flow when life gets a little crazy

106. Mantra for Flow

Pantha rei, the Greek aphorism meaning "everything flows, changes, or is in flux" can make a useful mantra.

Fear

105. Your Sacral Chakra

Explore the flowing energy of the sacral chakra and of water, its associated element, when you get a chance to sit or lie in relaxation.  Close your eyes and visualize a stream flowing into a deep lake in your pelvis.  Feel the fluidity of this energy giving you the flexibility to respond creatively to situations and to see potential in others.

104. The Power of Water

"Nothing in the world is more flexible and yielding than water.  Yet when it attacks the firm and the strong, none can withstand it, because they have no way to change it.  So the flexible overcome the adamant, the yielding overcome the forceful." - Lao Tzu

103. Reveal Your Inner Vibrancy

"By cutting away sorrow, the brilliant light of the Self dawns." 

-Patanjali's Yoga Sutras

102. Start the Day SHINING

Cultivate Tejas, Sanskrit for "lustre" or "majesty", with Ujjayi, Sanskrit for Victorious Breath

101. Energy of the Day

Yoga teaches that there are three Gunas, or energy forces, that inhabit all matter.  Rajas is the active energy of the early part of the day, of spring and of youth.  This makes up a cycle with sattwa, balance, and tamas, inertia.  Think how you can benefit from the active force rajas today -- to pitch a new idea, for example, or simply to adopt a can-do attitude.

100. Golden Visualization

Lie on your back, breathe deeply and focus on your spine.  Bring your attention to the left side of your body and try to tune into how it's feeling.  Then do the same on the right side.  Does one side feel more depleted of energy than the other?  If so, visualize that side being bathed in glowing, gold energy for a few minutes, then open your eyes.

99. Chair Pose Vinyasa

For a quick boost before you begin working at a desk, crouch in Chair Pose, without the yoga block, and practice the following flowing movements.  Exhaling, reach your arms forward until you fold into a forward bend.  Inhaling sweep your arms up and sit back in Chair Pose.  Repeat 5 times flowing with your breath.

98. Utkatasana :: Chair Pose

Utkatasana This posture strengthens and enlivens the lower body so is useful in the morning if you have to spend much of the day sitting at a desk.  Place your feet hip-width apart and parallel, gripping a yoga block or thick book between your thighs to enliven the inner "seams" of your legs.  Bend your knees as if skiing, with your knees directly over your toes with the block still in place.  Swing your arms skyward and take 5-10 deep breaths, focusing your gaze on a fixed point in front of you, then relax into the asana/pose while being mindful of the neck.

97. Play Your Instrument

Yehudi Menuhin said of yoga, "Reduced to our own body, our first instrument, we learn to play it, drawing from it maximum resonance and harmony."  When you do asanas, think of your body as a harp and each movement as a note being played.  Let energy flow through your tuned strings.

96. Self-Knowledge Mudra

Jnana Mudra To start the day feeling engaged with the tasks ahead, sit with your spine straight and your hands on your knees, palms upward to receive.  Outstretch your fingers, like starfish.  Now curl the index fingers in to touch the tips of your thumbs.  Your index finger signifies your ego - the self that separates you from the universe - and your thumb the cosmic Self.  Imagine the small self melting into the greater Self, absorbing its wise energy.

95. Opposite Energies

When dressing, consider the yogic belief that the left side of your body signifies your intuitive, feminine energy and your right side logical, masculine qualities.  The Hindu god Prajapati embodied both polarities. 

Can you recognize both masculine and feminine qualities within yourself?

94. Inner Energy

"Yoga is not attained through the lotus posture and not by gazing at the tip of the nose.  Yoga ... is the identity of the psyche with the transcendental Self." - kula arnava tantra